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JUNE 2007 fatness challenge!
OK, I’m not officially fat, but I’m nudging the upper line of the BMI scale, so here’s the plan to get from 89Kg to a perfect 83kg in one month…updated almost daily.

A lot’s been happening to me lately.

My Origami business has folded, and my hat-making business is short of staff, in spite of the advert in the paper….”Who
wants to be a milliner?”.

To make ends meet, I’ve been working in a mitten factory all night. But it is exhausting work. Well, wouldn’t YOU be tired if you’d been up making glove all night?

Well, I thought it was time to end it all, and I saw the following on an aerosol bottle:

“Deliberately concentrating and inhaling the contents can be fatal”.

So….what if you don’t concentrate.
What if you think about something else, eh?
I couldn’t risk it, and chose life, but still had a faith crisis.
I went to see the reverend Toothsome O’Flatulance, even falling back on Catholisism and quick visit to cardinal Cardi O’Vascular, who told me that the alterboys always seemed ready to bend over forwards to help.

Perhaps I should start my own religion….you know that Islamic terrorist group, Hamas?
Well, I set up a similar group called ‘Humous’, dedicated to a fatwah against chickpea based food products.

Nothing came of it…so I though I’d turn my hand to writing books, paying homage to two previous
great works; firstly, a novel about a man who could not clear his throat of troublesome phlegm: Tales of the Unexpectorated, to be followed by Great
Expectorations, a story of what happened when he finally managed to clear the docker’s oyster.

That didn’t work, so I tried being a ghost writer, and wrote two more….
Effective Draught-proofing by Celia Doors
Diary of a Cross-dresser, by Ann Frank

Do you think that once my 13-19 year old Bison had gone to the
Bisonteenary, that they would then attend university at a
hippocampus*?

*A part of the brain that is important for learning, ironically.

All the guff below this point is random jottings that needs sorting out.

I was lonely, too. I even took off the “wiggly line symbol” key from my keyboard: (usually lives on the same key as ‘ ) and went dancing with it.
I was waltzing me tilde.

Evenutally, some good luck: I won the right to inherit the back passenger seat from my Grandfather’s Harley Davison on a gameshow called…’Who wants to Be a Pillion Heir’.

So now I’m working for a charity helping werewolf kids called “Shave the Children”…

What do you call a really chilled out penguin?
A sanguin!

Some crap about “The Chronicles of Banania”
And “I’m a beanie in a Jotul, baby”
Making a film about a dominant animated woman who lives in a virtual world and can’t stop coating pieces of A4 paper with laminate - called “The Laminatrix” http://www.intothematrix.com/

Asked how old - “144 you cunt” she said, “don’t be gross”
I said I stored semen in a small glass bottle - she said “that’s vial”.
Push the mutton
Welsh Scrabble - played with no vowels
Colostomy Scrabble - played with no bowels
No PSP - I was in-console-able
No bed? Inconceivable!
Couldn’t play music on a seashell - it was un-conch-ionable.
One way ticket to Helen Back - http://www.usefilm.com/photographer/92982.html
(would be better off with an Apex or super-saver)

it’s not as bad as that other film I was going to see, about a magical train that takes Santas presents from the North pole, but the engine driver suddenly gets really emotional and wildly happy and suddenly depressed. I think it was called The Bipolar Express…

supposition - discussing non-oral medication over dinner (or series of questions over dinner regarding non-oral medication)

So I’ve re-invented myself. Please welcome j-blo : jonny from the block.

I wrote some lyrics to be sung to the tune of “Jenny from the block”.
It’s about my life story, from when I started work as a humble
ship-yard photgrapher, through my working as a shelf-stacker at a
cheap German supermarket chain, to my ownership of a large Scottish
lake.

“Don’t be fooled by the docks that I shot
I’m still, I’m still Jonny from the block,
Use to work at Lidl now I own a loch,
Gnome hatter where I go I know where I came from”

Might open a new store…
Simple idea: a trough or an open box in a barn, a bit like somewhere feed
for livestock is placed, with a statue of Mary and Jesus in the corner, and
in the boxes would be a pile of overpriced sandwiches.

Thinking of calling it “Pret a Manger”…

May 2007 - Vicki and myself have been thinking up some new words and phrases…

Arse cakes, Arse candle, Arse crumble, Arse crouton, Arse flakes, Arsicle, Arse bracelet, Arse poodle, Arse noodle, Arse thatch, Arse beetle, Arse chutney.

Snatchfarthing, Crevice tool, bumthatch, gusset gravy, gusset tarantula, scrotal napsack, wankle brethren, fairy hammocks, spatchcock, Horse trouser, fanny batter, strudel bunyon, grunt futtocks, spunk monkey, cleft weasel, gip wizard, felchwinkle, butt munchkin, shaftwiggin, spastic whelk, knoblobster, spamflaps.

Heinous flange-partridge, mincing wankpatch, ventriculated toad-cabinet, discombobulatory root-pigeon, pulmonary moon-haddock, runcible spatch-mangle, runic snood-basket, antideluvian belt-beaver, Simon horse-trouser, Algernon zinc-trumpet.

Vaguerant - well I’m really quite cross about something, but I’m not sure what.
Hippocampus - a part of the brain located under the temporal lobe which deals with the concept of higher education of the hippopotami population.

I also thought about a remake of a popular 80’s detective series, where some guy goes on the trail of tasty cheese.

But someone beat me to it…

Be good to your elf
Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s hereditary

No one would have believed mankind would have been watching this
Abruptly, the email ceased