Boston, Virginia, The Whitehouse and a night in a Super 8….

For the last few years, I have been heavily reliant on last-minute bargains for my last-minute vacations.
I’ve not done too badly really; 3 years ago: A week in Majorca, half-board: £129 each.
Last year: £289 for a week fully inclusive, for a holiday with a brochure price of £498.
Beginning of this year: £40 for a return flight to Madrid.
I’d done it before, and I didn’t see why this year should be any different.

By late on Friday evening, I had phoned every travel agent in the Yellow Pages. I’d trawled through Teletext, furrowed through Freeserve, and checked out cheapflights.com among others.
I had 5 pages of notes, and no holiday. The problem? Tracy had no choice about when she takes her holiday (she runs an after school club), and school holidays mean vastly inflated prices. The average price of a week in unnamed self-catering accommodation in Spain at the end of August is £289. The second week in September, and the prices fall below half.
C’est la vie.

By mid-day Saturday, I thought I was doomed to a week in Skegness. At about 3pm on Sunday afternoon, I landed in Detroit, USA, where I thought I was going to change flights on to Newark, NJ. You see, mad though it may sound, by flying more, the flight gets cheaper! They must work that out the same way that a return ticket usually costs the same as a single on the trains here. Instead, we ended up staying in a $119 a night hotel, with our food paid for, and $600 of flight vouchers. You see, the flight had been overbooked, and we were more than willing to take the next one early the next morning in return for the goodies on offer. In fact, some people had accepted $900, plus an upgrade to 1st class, AND the hotel. It’s just the luck of the draw.

We’d managed to bag window seats for both flights, and the one thing that caught my attention was the geometric precision with which vast agricultural landscape was formed. As far as the distant horizon, the perfectly straight lines ran. Around one small town, the fields formed a huge concentric pattern, as accurate as if someone had traced it from a giant plan. I also saw lots of oval tracks - several to a town. Running tracks? Baseball? Not being a big sports fan, I couldn’t be sure, but from a plane is one of the best ways of getting a good idea of the sheer scale of things.

On arrival at Newark, NJ, after a rather “interesting” landing, we needed to sort out a rental car. I had heard that booking in advance was cheaper from the UK - not really true in this case. Again, I had checked every company exhaustively - there was nothing to be saved by booking from the UK or in advance, so we decided to have a nose around on arrival.
Note for the uninitiated: Discounts are never what they seem!! I think it was National that had a $24/day deal advertised in the press. So I called up, and tried to book:
“OK Sir, how can I help you?”
“I’d like to book the advertised $24/day Geo?”
“OK Sir - where you at?”
“Newark airport”
“…..my computer isn’t showing a location there right now”.
“I’m standing by the desk - they told me to call you.”
“Oh! Really Sir, Gosh! I never knew we were at the airport! You know what, I’m afraid we can’t do the special from that location. We have 3 others in NJ, but they’re probably too far to go.”
“No they’re not”
“OK, you know what Sir, my computer is just locking me out when I try and check those locations”
“How about NY?”
“OK - just checking for you - OK, we have one in Queens, but they don’t allow collection on a Sunday”
“How about I collect tomorrow?”
“Gosh! You know what? Suddenly my computer is showing that they don’t have any cars at that location”

Are you starting to get the idea? Needless to say, I called back and got a Hispanic who could barely comprehend single syllable words, let alone a whole sentence, (most telephone operators are like this) and then another guy who fed me a different load of bullshit.

I then went to Alamo, where they told me a completely different (higher) price for the car I had reserved.
I nagged. I argued. I protested. I called head office. After 2 hours, I’d worn the bastards down! Although they didn’t reduce the price, they gave me a free upgrade from a compact to a full-size. That’s like moving from a Ford Fiesta to an S-Class Mercedes. Now, I’m not really one for car-porn, but the car I got, a Pontiac Bonneville SE, really would have provided Jeremy Clarkson with more metaphors than you could shake a shift-stick at. Allow me a few moments to mention the more drool-worthy features: the seat adjusts in more ways than an Escher sketch has dimensions, the lights automatically come on in the dark, the doors lock and unlock themselves at all the right moments, everything is remote control. And the engine and gearbox are so smooth; the fact that this car has an engine is imperceptible, even when pulling a tire-squealing standing start, the purr of the engine only really becomes audible at at kick-down induced 5,000 revs, and while being gently driven, the overdrive keeps the 3.8 V6’s revs at about 1800 at 70mph. And the sound system’s bass speaker generates pressure waves probably similar to those experienced by those members of the Titanic’s band now playing at 20,000 leagues below. This was a drivers car; sit back, relax, engage cruise-control and enjoy the scenery.

We decided that Boston would be our first target. I plugged in the radar detector (an essential piece of kit when driving in the USA) and we headed north. Having finally cleared NY City and having spent what felt like most of our money in road tolls, we picked up the I-95 New England Highway having departed at 3pm. Having had quite a bust day already, we decided to stop 233 miles later at the Gateway Motel in Seekonk, MA at 22:00. The motel was clean and cheap at $43, and after a good nights rest we headed for Boston, 70 miles further on. This city, like Washington, is a 24 hour traffic jam, and unlike most US cities was not built around the car, and so we wisely parked at exit 22 (Riverside) and took the rather efficient Mass Transit System (train) in which, including parking, cost $7. Now Boston really is about as close to an English city as you can get in parts. Like Philadelphia, it has a pleasing blend of old and new, the older buildings being reflected in the glass of the skyscrapers, while the splendid Boston City Hall provides an insight into America’s patriotic obsession with it’s short but battle-ridden history.

We departed Boston and drove the mere 100 miles to Lee, MA. There was a good reason for this. For those who read my previous America journal, you may remember that Lee was the town in which I spent a few nights after “departing” Camp Greylock. As literally only a mile off our route on the Mass Pike, I really had to do it for nostalgia purposes. Once again, I pulled into the Sunset Motel in a rental car, once again I haggled with the same all-smiles, all discounting Indian gentleman, and spent a $50 night in a room only two away from the one in which I stayed up until 5am watching the report of the Diana crash. Spooky.

We departed early the next morning - I wanted to show Tracy Mount Greylock , the highest mountain in Massachusetts at 3,491 feet. But to get to the mountain, I had to pass Camp Greylock. Well, I didn’t have to , but I did anyway! Dare I go in? To recap, I’d had a “wee spot of bother” on my last day, due to a typically arrogant camp director who thought he knew it all, and went of acting alone in deciding that lots of people needed to be a week before they were going to collect their bonuses. We were having none of it, and a posse came back to quietly wrecked havoc on the now empty camp. And so the last person I wanted to see was Tom, the camp maintenance man, and chief of the town police.
“Hi Tom”, I said gingerly as we pulled into the camp to be greeted by him. It turned out it was only Tom and Judy the personnel person left - all the other staff and campers had gone home. Oh well, it was a most bizarre and nostalgic thing to do, and it was done.

And so we left and drove the half-hour up the mountain, and were disappointed to find the lighthouse was closed that day. Did I say lighthouse? Yes, lighthouse. One that had apparently resided in Boston harbour once upon a time. We walked the Appalacion trail, or at least 7 or so feet of it, and admired the views. It was 10:25 am when we left, and we headed straight down the I90 stopping only to pay a total of $8 in tolls, and to stick $10 of fuel in. At 6pm some 400 miles later, we arrived in Niagara, USA. We parked the car and walked across the Rainbow Bridge (25c) to Niagara, Canada, collecting another passport stamp along the way. We stood and gawped for a while, before boarding one of the Maids of the Mist. These are boats that, for about US$7 (including plastic mac!), take you right up close to the action. We got a tour of the “little” falls on the American side first, before heading into the mist. From the top of the falls, you have no idea of the power of the thing. 6,000 cubic metres of water pass over the falls every second, and as the boat gets closer, battling hard against the current, the wind and spray from the fall is incredible. We sat there getting soaked for about 4 minutes, which felt like about half an hour. On returning to land, we crossed back to move the car and get a pen, (another stamp!) and returned to see Niagara at night and to post a card or two. Unlike Niagara USA, the Canadian side is a gambling town, and takes on a mini-Las Vegas feel, with endless tacky stores, flickering lights and stretch-Limos cruising the strip, but without the heat or the cheap hotels We wandered for an hour or two, and then returned to the car.

Having departed at 10pm, we only drove for about an hour that night, and took a turning off the I-90 to a place who’s name I neither remember nor care to remember! The whole place was a rip-off, and the cheapest place we could find was the inaptly named “Pennywise Motel”, which provided no frills for its $65 a night, and so we made the most of our stay by not departing until 11:59am the next morning. Our next destination was Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio. The 390 miles on the I-90 went quickly, and we arrived on the island on which the park lives at 6pm. We then proceeded to blag our way passed the $6 parking toll, and found a “buy one get one free” ticket, and then it turned out to be evening rate anyway as the park closed at 8pm. Total cost, £20. Total saving: $50. Not bad, seeing as we managed to get on the four big rides; The Demon Drop Free Fall, the Raptor, the Magnum XL coaster and best of all, the Power Tower, a compressed-air monstrosity that either blasts you 240 up into the air in 3 seconds, or cranks you 240 into the air, and then drops you freefall, again using air to “bounce” you to a gentle stop. Very vast, very fast, very smooth and very very scary! One comic moment came when we stood in line for the Magnum; there was a ride operator at the front of the line who was waffling on into a PA system - presumably to keep the line whipped into a frenzy, but for the 20 minutes we were there, we could not understand one single word. Do you remember Charlie Brown on TV? Recall if you will the teacher, who’s words were never heard but who’s voice was mimicked by a mute trombone. That was exactly what the girl sounded like. Decided that we were probably best off not knowing.

We stayed that night at the $50 Super8 Motel on the 250S, and ate at midnight at a TA truckstop. These places are nothing like the “greasy spoon” truckers cafes in England. There is a full menu of good hearty food, and the two of us ate more than we should have, for $12. And you get to see real good-ol-boys talking about shootin’ moose an’ deer an’ niggerz an’ all.

Next morning, we started at 10am and continued down the 250, picking up the 50W across the appalachians, through Virginia, pausing for gas at Cameron, W.Virginia, and noting the rather splendid scenery of Romney.

We took the opportunity to soak up some more American radio. Someone really needs to import some Radio 4 to these people! Lets have a look now…
“Call 1-800-SALVATION and pledge your donation to Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus!”
“At Slobs Seating we have the latest FatBoy recliners - come visit us at 1121222828728 East 92nd Street, if you can.”
“You know, here at The Cholesterol Partnership, we can make heart surgery simple. Just call 1-800-CARDIAC for your free brochuuuuuuuuuuuure”.
“Get up, get out, get some exercise!”
Whoah! Hold on, what was that last one? Exer-what?!? Yes, the Americans seem to pick up on a health issue about 20 years after everyone else, and then do it to death, if you’ll pardon the expression. Two years ago, the public health commercials were all about smoking. This time round, it was for Americas current biggest killer, obesity. America is the most obese country in the world (watch an episode of Jenny Jones if you need proof), and various states have just worked out that everyone seems to be popping off in their early forties, weighing about 400 lbs.
Talking of cholesterol, do you know what the one roadside advert that we saw the most of was? It was for a chain of heart attack practitioners. Nuff said?

Having had a rather busy few days previous, and with the mountain roads being fun more than expedient, we only crawled a sedentary but pleasant 350 miles that day, and stayed at the best place yet, the Mohawk Motel in Winchester, Virginia. $44 inc tax bought us a lovely wood panelled large room, and we spent a pleasant and well earned evening drinking massive tins of Bud, and reminiscing to the sound of The Dukes of Hazard on TV (now that takes me back). The next morning was relaxed, with an 11am start heralding the 90 mile drive to Washington DC. We arrived at 1pm and stayed nearly 7 hours. I’d heard that it was just a nasty violent dump - why would I want to go there? Well, I guess I heard wrong. A word on the Metro system; this has to be one of the cleanest and coolest and largest in the world, comparable with Madrid’s excellent Metro system. The stations are great cavernous affairs, with 40 foot high ceilings which the Rough Guide describes as being like something out of Space Mountain, and mood lighting, and carpets on the trains which glide smoothly to almost anywhere you want to go. And of course, it’s all very cheap and safe.

On exiting the station, our first impressions were of a very clean and efficient city. We quickly located The White House, complete with the permanent 24 hour vigil for peace opposite. The Whitehouse is not as impressive from the front as from the back, from which vantage point one can see the Washington monument in all it’s scaffolded glory. We did a grand walking tour of The Arlington Cemetery, including the JFK gravesite. All around this vast monument to war, there is an awed and hushful respect uncommon in most places in America. We watched the changing of the guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. This happens every half hour, 24 hours a day, every day of the year, and the changing of the guard is a ten minute affair full of shouting and presenting of arms and the exchange of rifles. We continued on to the XXXX Lincoln Memorial, another monument to the wonder of marble. I was quite impressed by Washington, and was disappointed not to have been able to go up the Washington Monument - we collected the free tickets, but didn’t get time to go in the end.

The last night was spent in a Motel of a level of sleaziness yet to be discovered by the outside world. It was called the Edgewood Motel, Edgewood, Delaware, right next to a district called Bel Air. You get the picture? The shouting started at about 11pm, followed by banging on doors and shouting, and then people talking and smoking right outside our (closed!) window. Any minute now, we thought we were going to hear gunshots ring out. It never happened, and we departed nice and early into the morning mist.
Whereupon came our second mistake of the day - a visit for breakfast to the absolutely awful and ridiculously named International House of Pancakes. Now this is food at its worst and most expensive. We couldn’t see a menu outside, so we took our chances and sat down. As soon as the menus were handed to us, our instinct was to get out, quickly! We didn’t have the nerve however, and I ended up ordering the only eatable thing on the menu, the International Breakfast.
The Dictionary describes breakfast thusly:
Main Entry: break·fast
Pronunciation: ‘brek-f&st
Function: noun
Date: 15th century
1 : the first meal of the day especially when taken in the morning
2 : the food prepared for a breakfast breakfast>

See the words “meal” and “eat” in the above definition? At no point can the IHOP ethos be said to encompass the dining experience to a degree as I would understand it.
You too can re-create the IHOP experience at home, without remortgaging the house. Take for example their definition of the word “bacon”. Simply go out and buy some economy bacon. You know, real rindy streaky bacon with lots of rusk and water added. And now very slowly grill two tiny strips until it shrivels to a charcoal consistency. Meanwhile, get two economy sausages the size of a babies little finger, slowly grill until dehydrated, and then leave the whole lot to go cold. Then serve it to yourself with something you claim to be a “pancake” and some buttercream which has gone rancid et voila! The IHOP breakfast. To complete the experience, you should now go and flush $7 down the toilet.

We carried on New Jersey bound, and finally arrived back at the Alamo car lot, 1900 miles tireder and with the car running on vapour (nice one, Jon!).

The journey back was pleasant, and we were very lucky again to see the most spectacular sunsets and sunrises.
No doubt it won’t be too long before I go back

Although I’ve “done” most states, no-one could say that, even with years of travel, that they’ve “seen” America.
So, I might leave it a little. I think my next adventures will take me to either Russia, Australia or India.
Guess I’d better start looking for those cheap flights, then!

---

Travels stats: This journey
Connecticut (CO)
Delaware (DE)
District of Columbia (DC)
Massachusettes (MA)
Michigan
Minnesota
New Jersey (NJ)
New York (NY)
Ohio (OH)
Pennsylvania (PA)
Virginia (VA)
West Virginia (WVA)Canada.

States visited in 10 days 2 years ago.
Massachusetts
New York
New Jersey
Connecticut.
California
Nevada
Los Angeles
Arizona
Colorado
Texas
Missouri
Georgia
Penn
Michigan
Ohio
New Mexico
North Carolina
Georgia
Alabama
Mississippi
Louisiana

Other Stats:
Flights: £278
Money: £190
Insurance: £24
Car: £135
Offset: Food, ents, petrol etc at home: £120
Flight Tickets: £384
Total: £123

Total Miles: 1900
Total car hire time: 5 days 21 hours
Total gas:
$15@1.25 = 12
$10@1.30 = 7.7
$18.43@1.21 = 15.23
$19@1.28 = 14.84
$11@1.24 = 8.87
Total Gas: $73 = £46
Total US Gallons: 58.64 = 32.40 MPG.
Total UK Gallons: 70.42 = 26.98 MP/UKG

Categories: america, travelogue