Florida and the Theme Parks, 2001

At last, somewhere I can wear white socks and not look out of place. Yes, back to America for a little summer sunshine, all 88 degrees of it in fact. Oh, and a nice Mitsubishi Spyder Eclipse convertible to drive around in.

This isn't going to be so much of a travelogue, more of a "tip top travellers top tips" kind of thing. How to avoid getting ripped off, what to see, what to miss etc.

Our little get-away was to be in two halves. Part one was just chillin' (or warmin' anyway) in the sun. Part deux was to be the theme parks. Our flight was pretty much sorted by the remainder of the vouchers from 2 flights ago, leaving us to pay only the outrageous £50 taxes. We'd spent ages plotting and planning where to fly to and when to fly there, which, all things considered, turned out to be the 1st of November and Florida. We were as flexible as possible, which meant we also picked up another $600 of flight vouchers in return for staying in a hotel at NWA's expense. Dontcha just love overbooking?

After clearing customs (and ensuring that we ticked the box that explained that we had not committed any "moral turpitude"), we spent the night in the hotel, and arose refreshed for the 2 hour midday flight down to Tampa. Our first job was to collect the car - as usual, I'd booked a compact (sort of Vauxhall Corsa size) counting on the usual free upgrade being available. Shock horror, they had some compacts in stock, hence no free upgrade. But all was not lost, we were offered an upgrade to a Mitsubishi Spyder Eclipse convertible for $110. This was outside our budget, but it wasn't long before we'd got it down to $90, which works out at £5.60 each per day extra for the difference between a 1.4 litre horrid compact, and a "the car". A few words about "the car". With the power assisted top on, you wouldn't know that the 2.4 litre engine was running. 2.4litre may not sound like much, but when you consider that the car is so small, it really does allow for some serious shovelling action. As a kind of mark of respect for the fact that it had only 8 miles on the clock when I picked it up, I didn't thrash it for the sake of it. Although it is nice to floor it at 40mph and watch the speedo as it downshifts from 5th to 1st which will take you to 60 in about another 2 seconds. Raise the roof, and you hear the gentle putter of what sounds like a motorboat. Until you drive it, and then then it sounds pretty damn good. Enough of the Jeremy Clarkson, and on with the show...

Our first stop was at a Welcome Centre just off the highway. These are basically tourist information centres, but they<= are also handy for picking up booklets full of hotel and motel coupons, and they also seem to act as a clearing centre for spare motel rooms. And so we found ourselves staying in a perfectly acceptable motel right on the beach in Treasure Island. £14 a night each got us an en-suite room with large TV, comfortable beds, clean linen every day, a pool and the most wonderful view. We hit the beach and basically spent the next four days either in the sun or the sea. The weather couldn't have been better, with record height temperature, and not a cloud in the sky. We were on the side of Florida that forms one side of the Gulf of Mexico.It's far enough up to keep sharks and other nasties at bay, with the only danger being stingrays, mainly in the summer. The "shuffle for stingrays" signs all along the beaches provide good warning of the hidden dangers of stingrays which may have come ashore to lay eggs, and then buried themselves in the sand. They'll only attack if stepped on. Even then the worst that can happen is a laceration which will be filled with a neurotoxin, meaning a dead leg for a few hours, and a few stitches at most, but it hardly ever happens. Aside from the water being warm and clear, the beaches were amazing. 25 miles of clean white sand, very wide and quiet. The Americans don't seem to do beaches much, as I noticed whenever we seem to pass by perfect beaches that Brits would die to sit on in their shirts and jeans and drink tea. Any concern of Tracy's that I may have cause to ogle young things in small bikinis was washed away by the tide of realisation that many parts of coastal Florida are not called "Heaven's waiting room" for nothing. We ate out on two evenings, both at local "good food served cheaply and cheerfully" places, a bit like the Pierre Victoire restaurants that used to be in the UK until they went bust. We started to rue the fact that we had gone when the dollar was it's strongest in years - our pound was only buying 1.4 dollars, while 6 months ago, 1.6 was the norm, with 1.8 existing only a couple of years back. On the fifth morning at 6am, we reluctantly handed the keys in, and started the drive to Busch Gardens in Tampa.

This is a good park to start at, as there are not many long lines (none at all when we went), the attractions are good and the animals interesting. We then headed on to our motel for that night - we'd picked the worlds largest Travelodge (and why not?) which was opposite the Worlds Tallest Skycoaster, and just up the road from the Worlds Largest McDonalds. It has to be said that we ate and slept large, but as for the skycoasting...er...it was too, um, warm. Yes, that was why we didn't go. Too warm. Yes. It has to be said that the 192 highway through Kissimmee, Orlando, is the tackiest part of America I've visited yet, and I've visited some tacky places in my time. It was amongst all the neon that I started to notice lots of discount ticket booths. As we'd not got our Disney tickets yet, we thought we'd investigate these. We quickly learnt one thing -as one person put it; "the mouse does not go on sale at a discount - anywhere"e. In fact, the only place you'll get a legitimate Disney ticket is either at the gate, or an authorised agent. As for buying second hand multi-day passes with a few days left, this can be dodgy as they not only print your name on the ticket, but Disney have some high-tech gate gadgets. If you plan on park-hopping, it looks like you stick two fingers in some fingerprint reading thing at the gate too, presumably to stop someone entering and passing the ticket back over the gate to someone else etc. There was only one way to get a cheap Disney ticket - timeshare. "It's easy, real simple" said the fat tanned man with the mullett and moustache. "What could be easier, you go along, they give you breakfast, you watch a quick 90 minute presentation, and even if your not interested, you get your tickets. What have you got to lose?". Instinct told even a hardened cheapskate like me that this was a bad idea. You don't get something for nothing, and even though we ended up spending another £40 each on the gate for tickets, it's become clear since then that this was very much the right thing to do - an endless stream of waiters and customers in bars and restaurants itching to tells stories of people getting tricked into signing things, being kept at the sales centre all day etc. It's just not worth the aggro.

We rearranged our itinerary after learning that the Electrical Parade at Magic Kingdom only happens on a Friday. And so it was that on the Tuesday morning, we drove to Universal Studios. Again, the queues were light, but if it's roller-coasters you want, forget this one. There aren't any. It's all simulators and shows. Not that that's a bad thing - I was worried that I was going to feel ripped off, but after having arrived at 10am and gone home at 6pm and still not having time to do it all, I reckon it ain't too bad at all. A word about food here. Take your own, or don't eat at the park. Fortunately, Busch Gardens is right opposite a huge McDonalds which seems to attract a large amount of park-goers. For the sake of making your way to the exit and crossing a road, you can get an entire meal for the price of a hot dog in the park. A pretzel in any of these parks will set you back nearly $4. A small bottle of water is $3. You'd have to be either very hungry or filthy rich to feed a family in these places. We chose the not eating option for the rest of the parks, which, when you consider that your innards are going to be thrown around for most of the day, is probably a good idea. Although at about 6pm, having walked 3 miles round a park smelling of hot dogs, popcorn and candy, and not having eaten for 9 hours, it's hard to ignore the old hunger pangs.

The next day was SeaWorld. Now THIS is a good park, the central feature of which is the Shamu Stadium. From the blurb: "At 25 feet and five tons, he's the biggest star in Hollywood East. Now Shamu's awesome talents surface in the new 'Shamu Adventure," featuring animal expert Jack Hanna. Through the magic of ShamuVision -- a huge, high-resolution video screen - guests travel with Hanna and experience Alaska, Norway and the remote Crozet islands." It's an awesome show, very slickly done. As for the coasters, it has my favourite so far, Kraken, "the monster of all roller coasters, is the tallest, fastest, longest and only floorless roller coaster in Orlando. Yes, floorless. Imagine a roller coaster that takes you to heights of a 15-story building ... upside down seven times ... at 65 mph.". And it's so smooth. You wouldn't know you were rolling along on casters on steel runners - you feel like you are gliding. And the best part - no line to wait in that day. Thursday was the first of the two Disney days. We chose MGM for that day.

The Rockin' Roller Coaster (featuring Aerosmith, apparently): According to the coaster geeks at Disney Secrets, the Linear Induction launch system is so hefty, the roller coaster actually has it's own power sub-station. And yet the launch still doesn't feel as quick as "Speed, the Ride" in Las Vegas. Although with 24 riders in each car totalling 5.5 tons, that's a lot of effort required to reach 60mph in 2.8 seconds. But reach it it does. And for the power freaks, this all takes about 2.4 million watts of power every 3 minutes. Nice. And there's me switching off the kitchen light to save the starving in Uganda or something.

Tower of Terror:
This is another very well themed ride. From the moment you step through the gates to the Hollywood Towers Hotel, the scenery is fairly convincing. A lot of effort has gone into realism. How much effort do Disney put into it? Hardly any of the structures in any of the Disney parks are over 199 feet, because if, for example, Hollywood Towers Hotel was 200 feet tall, it would need a flashing red light on top to comply with FAA regulations. And I'm sure you'd agree that a flashing red light on a '30s hotel would slightly take away from the illusion

Another extremely complex and engineered ride. According to manufacturing.net, "a closed-loop hoist rope arrangement provides for cabin pull down that achieves a rate of change of acceleration of 8g/sec. and .18 negative g in the fall zone. Unlike a simple elevator system in which a cabin is suspended by a hoist rope, the Tower of Terror hoist ropes also extend below the cabin and return back up the shaft to terminate at the top. That arrangement enables the entire roping system to be preloaded, allowing downward acceleration rates exceeding that of a free fall without generating slack in the hoist ropes. The drive motor develops 110,000 ft. lbs of torque, 4,000 hp, and uses regeneration for deceleration control."

When we'd entered the park in the morning, we'd been warned that the main evening show, "Fantasmic", was very popular, and to get there at least 2 hours before. We decided to take our chances and got there an hour and a quarter early to find the 8,000 seater amphitheatre was nearly full. We squeezed on the end of a row and waited. At about 6:30, a warm up act came on and entertained us with various routines that involved making use of chairs and handstands in most unorthodox ways. And then 7pm came and the lights dimmed, and then an eerie sound started through the loudspeakers, and suddenly it was the beginning of the most amazing 25 minutes of light fire and water. This is one of the most spectacular things I have ever seen. There is good use of a blend of live action and animation, the animation using back projection of the images on a huge spray of water that appears whenever needed.

But the most impressive sequence is the dragon fight - a huge animatronic dragon huffs and puffs and breathes fire, which hits the lake surrounding the central island on which all the action happens. And the entire lake bursts into flame - absolutely incredible. We were 10 rows back and it was still pretty warm - I'd hate to be sitting in the front row with sunburn on my face when the water lights up. And then a spectacular finish in which, of course, Mickey Mouse wins the day! If you have a broadband connection, some guy has videod most shows at Disney and uploaded them. They range in size between 40Mb and 400mb, so don't try this with a 56k modem, kids!

We applauded and shuffled slowly out of the amphitheatre and eventually out of the park to catch a coach home from what could easily be the worlds largest car park.

Friday was Magic Kingdom day. It quickly dawned on me after entering that Magic Kingdom is probably the most kiddie/family oriented of all the parks. There are no fast rides with the exception of Splash Mountain, Space Mountain and Big Thunder Mountain Railroad (which was closed for refurbishment when we visited). Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin would have been good, except there was no way of telling what you were firing at, so it was all a bit random.

During the day, we watched various parades and shows, one of which took place right in front of the castle. I want you to imagine the cheesiest thing you've ever seen. Now turn that image into a musical number, then coat it in syrup and add a sprinkle of naffness. Now smile until it hurts while performing the whole thing. Such was the show of teeth throughout the park, that Tracy and myself wondered about the amount of prozac consumed each day.

One of Disney's best ideas is the Fastpass system. You go up to a ride or attraction, insert your park ticket and out comes a ticket with a time (usually only about 45 minutes away). You then have an hours window to return to the ride, present the fast-pass ticket and go straight to the front of the line. So easy, so simple, such a good idea and so effective. We never waited more than 10 minutes for any of the most popular attractions. While you wait the 45 minutes for your time to come around, you go and do something less popular, or watch a show or a parade. So why, then, were there "non-fastpass" lines, some over an hour and a half long? I couldn't understand it. Hold on, though. This is America! My theory was confirmed - hanging around people at the back of long lines, listening to them bitch and moan about the length of the lines, I heard this gem: "Gee, it's a long line, but I'm not risking the fastpass. I heard they make you wait inside just as long in another line". And that's pretty much the bottom line - even with big notices describing how it works, and someone on hand to explain it in words of no more than one syllable so the natives could comprehend the words, the concept remained too confusing for many many people. But then this is America, the place with a comedy show for an election system, and where over 50% of the population take the Bible literally, so I suppose it's understandable.

It was the evening shows I was looking forward to, and we were also lucky enough to be at the same Disney location as The Main Street Electrical Parade. This is one of the largest and most elaborate parades ever staged by Disney. It started in 1974 and has travelled around various Disneylands throughout the world. Millions of lights sparkle on everything from the parade vehicles to the seams on the suits, right down to twinkling hairclips for the women. Disney parades are amazing - you think it's all over, and then something else comes round the corner to amaze you with its detail, size and sheer lavishness. The sound is done well too - as the parades make their way round the park, each section of hidden loudspeakers on the street kicks into life, and by the time the parade has reached you, it's playing the full backing tune. The rest of the melody is performed by each vehicle as it passes. And then it all fades away again as the parade passes.

To top a busy day off, there were the 7pm fireworks over the castle. Again, they were what you'd expect; large, loud and breathtaking.

As I waited at the exit for Tracy to powder her nose (or whatever it is ladies do in the ladies), a two people of preposterous proportions returned two hefty looking wheelchairs to the rental point. They then proceeded to stand up and waddle out of the park. The wheelchair guy (no, not Stephen Hawkins, the guy signing them back in) noticed my look of disbelief, rolled his eyes and shook his head. As facial expression or any other sign of intelligence is rare from an American, I decided to chat to this fellow. Had they really hired equipment intended for the genuinely disabled, simply because they were too fat and lazy to walk the couple of miles round the park? Yes, it seems they had. In fact, there occasionally arises a problem whereby so many grossly obese people have rented out the available wheelchairs, that the park runs dangerously short of a wheelchair which could be used by someone who genuinely needs it. That's got to be one of the grossest things I've heard. But then, this is the place where a 3 year old, 3 foot tall toddler has it's face fed by it's illiterate mother until it reaches 120lbs, and is consequently taken away by social services (although she got it back in the end). This is the place where a continental breakfast in many hotels means a try of donuts, and a selection of various brightly coloured lumps of sugar parade as "breakfast cereals". Oh, and the most ironic thing? One of the fatties wore a T-shirt that bore the logo "No Gut, No Glory". Where is the glory in voluntarily disabling yourself, while people point and stare at your disgusting flubber?

That was our last day. I had an interesting taxi ride to the airport to return the car (just me in the cab); the driver reminded me of Private Pyle from the film "Full Metal Jacket". He was kind of jittery, as he started to take an odd detour from the main highway, assuring me that the tour of unlit road was a shortcut. Then he started on the conspiracy theories, explaining that the strip in the dollar bill allows an FBI satellite to track you, and followed it up with a huge swig from the largest pitcher I have ever seen. He explained it was Mountain Dew. "Yes Sir, more caffeine than any other cold sparkling beverage, Sir!". As his eyes twitched, I expected him to follow up with "Seven-six-two millimeter, full metal jacket!". Yeah, I was in a world of shit. The plane home was uneventful, and I finally learnt on the flight (my 22nd) that simply because alcohol is free and freely available, it's not always the best idea to consume as much as possible. Indeed, sleeping on the plane avoids a situation whereby one has been awake for 117 hours since leaving the motel that morning, and collapsing at the wheel on the way home due to one's liver having carped it from a combination of dehydration and 77 mini bottles of Vodka. We had done it "on the cheap", all in all it came to a shade over £500. Fair enough, that's what we chose to do. But yo know what really pisses me off? People ask where you're going, and the say something banal like "Oooh, nice for some, I wish I could afford to do that." Usually these people have a fag hanging out of the corner of their mouths. Or they say something so moronic and yet with such pride like: "My credit card's all maxed out - I managed to run up a £3000 credit card bill!" Yeah, good for you. If someone has a genuine and unavoidable debt problem, then that is a different matter. But to take a loan for a £15,000 car to pose in, without working out beforehand what the interest will cost you, and more importantly not realising you will have no money to go anywhere in it, is just plain thick.But then, people like that shouldn't even be allowed out of their own front door, let alone to another country (even though they will surely find themselves in good company)

Total: 522 each:
126 - accom.
70 - food and misc.
100 car (all inc)
169 - tickets
57 - flights (thanks to voucher, all we had to pay was tax)